MIGHT AS WELL...
being cooped up for awhile can get to ya, and when theres no food or history channel, most tv becomes this conglomerate of crap. Seriously, i dont kno when tv became this crap... or maybe im jus real sad about the state of the simpsons right now, and its manifesting itself in the whole of tv... yea. Random note, i think the lady who plays kevin james' wife on king of queens is pretty smoking. Anyway, i always start off these little rants w/ a commentary about how i have neglected this thing, and yea, i have. So, nothings really changed, which is, as always, a good and bad thing. Since ive designated this my hardcore blog awhile back, i guess this was the logical chain of events. I had really nothing to say, and what i did can be neatly stated in that little xanga thingy of mine. But, maybe i can link together many thoughts revolving around in my head to make one big long rant. Plus, im getting bored outta my mind, all the quarter ppl are gone or preparing to leave me... i feel so alone... well anyway, think im goin to lay down the most important facets of my wandering thoughts, again as i have done so much in the past.
When i get incredibly bored and have no thoughts to record, i look back on old past posts that i had. Reading those posts and thinking back as far as i can, i really do sound like a broken record. Come to think of it, i had this realization in the past already. Even my sister brought it up, i really do complain about this thing alot. People have given me advice on it, saying that it'll happen naturally, right when u least expect it. Always, this sort of thing... jus happens. Ive watched countless dramas depicting the idyllic portions of it, the portions that seem too good to be true, and sadly usually is. I talk about it constantly, and i get shot down as much times as i talk about it. I'll never fully understand it, and my only hope is that it really does "jus happen"... Despite the sap i am, i think im gettin tired of listening to it "jus happening." That little pang of dispair sets in when i hear that, cause it never "jus happens" to me. And i really cant believe otherwise, cause thats all ive known in my short time here. Countless things that could happen, and not one can i figure out. At this pt of my life, i find it really hard not to be pessimistic about the whole thing. But, the thing i realize even more is that i cant be. Guess its in the blood. And then im reminded of that movie milennium actress. Its an anime movie directed by the same person behind perfect blue. True to the former movie, milennium actress was pretty trippy, but more in a manner that struck the viewer w/ awe rather than dread. Throughout the movie, the main actress in the story would chase after the love of her life, a journey that melds reality w/ the various movies that she starred in. *spoiler warning* It is later found out that the man she was chasing after was killed yrs ago during an interrogation that went wrong. The most telling quote of that movie was said near the end: "in the end, she was chasing after a shadow" (or something to that effect). In a way, im the same. I really might be chasing after a shadow, a transient entity which may have never existed at all. But that doesnt stop me from chasing. When i can finally meet her, i cant think of what to say or do. By then, i dont really have to think at all, cause i had all this time to already. That'll be the best case scenario. Once i realize that shes in front of me, hopefully that all i need. Heres to it "jus happening"....
Enough about my romantic (or lack thereof) woes. More important things are at stake now, things which the Lord himself put ppl on this earth, including me, to do. Its a case of easy to say, hard to do. But, the first step is to identify and isolate, so maybe if i keep on repeating it, ill really get right down to it when im needed the most. In a way, i think it has to do a lot w/ the concept of bushido that is popularized in the West, especially through movies like the last samurai. Sounds like im a little off my rocker, but hear me out. Ive taken a class on the samurai last sem, and it was a real rewarding experience. Interesting all the time, and it really made me assess my understanding of a facet of eastern culture. Taking a class such as the one i took really made me realize how american i truly was, in that i needed more understanding of other cultures... which is a good thing. In a nutshell, the concept of bushido ("the way of the warrior") is a fairly modern construct and can be molded to what suits every1 best, or at least in general Western understanding. But, this is not really a degrading thing. This perspective on bushido might not have been identical to the one in past history, but nonetheless it holds very valuable concepts. That notion of loyalty and honor, of the divorce of self in service of a lord. Alrighty, moving on. What i think is most valuable is not the notion of honor, but the absence of the self to service. And this does not necessarily mean becoming a regular mother teresa and spreading the word of God. I think that is the most ideal, but this applies to ppl of all faiths, for i think this is something that is fundamentally human, the human capacity for good as well as the evils that plague us. What im trying to get at with this notion of "service" can be summed up with something i heard on christmas eve. Waiting for my annual (*gasp*) confession, one of the priests gave a short sermon to reflect on our past sin and to walk that path to become saints (ive heard long ago that this is indeed the calling, for us to be saints... a tall order indeed). The portion of his sermon which grabbed me the most was this: "have you welcomed joy to those around you, or despair?" Not surprisingly, i was the latter. Seriously, i am not perfect, despair is all around us, whether we are the cause of it or not.
But, thats y im not a pessimist. It really doesnt accomplish much. What reason is there to life if we are destined to die? I despise that sort of pessimism. Sure, point out the extreme cases, cases of starvation and the ramparts of war. Maybe in those cases, i have but to despair. But, im lucky enough to have made it here, to be lifted of the burden of wondering where my food will come. In cases such as mine, i have to really ask myself what i can do to be of service. The calling of the strong is not to rule the weak, it is to uplift. If u want to dispute me w/ darwinian notions, sure, go ahead. Competition is a good instrument to bring about innovation and progress, i agree. But, there is a limit to that, and i truly believe it is as inherently human to cooperate as it is to compete. It all goes back to that notion of balance that ive treasured all this time, that socratic(or platonic... i forget) notion of the intermediate. Or else, we cannot survive as we did. "Service" to others can be as elaborate as a food drive or giving alms to the poor or other philantrophic endeavors... or it can be as simple as considering ur fellow man, which is becoming more extraordinary as time passes on. And i dont mean to put on facades, i admit that a lot of ppl piss me off, maybe as much ppl that i love. And even the ppl that i love can piss me off, but that is human as well. The more important thing is to remember that love, and that little extra civility will help to bring about peace, no matter how slight or small. U dont have to like every1, i think thats unhealthy. A little extra courtesy and civil understanding to people on the street can go a long way.
Which leads us to the nagging question: "Why me?" A question that ive asked myself many a time. Y me? Y do i have to change the world? -Calvin. Maybe not even that, its as little as "y cant i punch the person next to me even tho hes ruining the movie ive been waiting to see ever since ive came back to so cal w/ his smart-ass remarks?" A little reminder to quiet down and to stop being a dumbass would have sufficed, at least that would be a civil (broad interpretation) and healthy thing to do. Then i ask myself... who else? When can i expect some1 else to be who i say to be if i cant do it myself? I have to be the rock, the pillar of support which can stand up to most things that come his way. This will be my mission, to live out the way i think will change the world, one person at a time. I think this is the first time ive given myself a challenge in my bloggin history, or that i remember anyway. I have to sort out life for myself, and to help out any1 whos willing and who needs it. And accept some help along the way, which is some cases harder to do. Overall, i must be a pillar of support. I dunno how or in what way, but i mark that as my mission.
"What have i done to bring some joy in this world?" will be a question that i will ask myself from time to time. What have i done?, not what did some1 else do. Enough ppl have done extraordinary things to get me this far, now its time for me to do something... More to come later.
