KEEPING THE FAITH...
or finding yet again some inspiration to, or rather tryin to find it for myself. So, i woke up, with quite a bit of encouragement from my sis, to go to mass today, even after a nite out belting out a few tunes. (i should brush up on some of my ol' favorite songs, hehe). Let me tell u, w/o any sort of exaggeration, today steered my life into the direction ive been tryin to look for all my years here on this little planet of ours...
After mass, i decided to go to my ol' SCKY youth group and listen in on their meeting. Good thing i did, cause there was a certain speaker there that would further inspire me to find that faith ive been searching for. Almost seems like there was a bit of divine intervention involved, hehe. So, the speakers name was Paul... didnt catch his last name, a student from UCLA, a mere few months older than me. The way he spoke tho, it spoke of experience that was truly beyond me at the present time. And he was a fine speaker indeed. He was quite well suited for a youth group such as ours. He could relate, and any youth group would tend to listen a bit harder to some1 who can relate to the struggles they are goin through, w/ their faith and such. Technically speaking, he was quite a gifted speaker, inflections and tone of voice were quite varied, and on the whole it had a fluidity to it that flowed very well, not awkward for one moment. Speakin as he did, the message was given quite nicely. And the message was one that touched me, unlike anythin ive heard thus far during this yr.
It wasnt anything new, even tho he mentioned certain things ive heard of for the 1st time. He spoke of the moment in which he opened up his heart to God... truly opened his heart. He was singin praise songs at a retreat some time ago, and then he jus suddenly broke out in tears. His face was literally streaming w/ tears. At that moment... he could truly communicate w/ God and find his faith. I kinda found a connection between his experience and the "flash of enlightenment" thats talked about in Zen buddhism... analogous things but an interesting connection nontheless... anyway, he then went on to talk about prayer life and our relationship w/ the Virgin Mary.
His stories about his own prayer life were somethin i could relate to, cause the same things were happening. Early on in my life, prayer to me was sort of a wish-fulfillment. Something where i can thank God for the day... and then ask him to give me strength for certain things, or to help me in times of need, or to do this and that and such. Even then i knew this isnt what is meant by prayer. Prayer, in its most basic form, is communication w/ God. If u are truly listening, u will be able to listen to Him. Most Christians, ppl in general talk about finding God. Its not about finding God, rather, its about opening ur heart to God who is already there. Paul gave an analogy, sayin that God is at the doorway leading to our heart. He is knocking, and it is up to us to open that door and let Him in. I always tried to find that relationship w/ God where i can truly talk to him, truly have a sort of meaningful prayer... actively keeping the faith, pretty much. Honestly, i cant say that ive come close to achieving that. A relationship w/ God is akin to a relationship w/ a good friend. He went on to say that if u want to have a better relationship w/ God, jus think about a relationship w/ a friend and making that sort of relationship grow. I think thats the best sort of approach, but its not the 1st time i heard of it.
Our relationship w/ the Virgin Mary is a little bit more ambiguous to me. Ive always understood it in a sort of weird way... like shes a sort of "middleman" between me and God. Why not cut out the "middleman" and go directly toward God? Thats what Protestants do. And its totally valid to go toward God directly. But, Mary isnt merely a middleman as i thought. She is the mother to the savior of our world, after all. She had the privelege to give birth to the Messiah, to care for him in infancy through adulthood. Its a special relationship indeed. I still dont fully understand it myself, but i have a better understanding nonetheless. Mary helps w/ our prayers toward God, that is what i got out of the whole talk about Mary. A story that helps out to understand this relationship I have w/ Mary is the 1st miracle that Jesus performs, the one where Jesus turns water into wine at a wedding feast. Mary urges Jesus to perform the miracle, and Jesus says "it is not my time". Yet, he still performs the miracle w/ the powerful prayer from Mary. Remember, Mary is still infinitely below the whole Holy Trinity, for she is a creation of God. Nevertheless, she can help w/ our prayers. Still a lot to learn and flesh out, but im gettin there.
This struggle i have w/ my faith is not a question of God's existence. Give me anything, anything u can dish out me proving me otherwise, and i will still believe. Cause, nothing can compare to what i feel, w/ what i see in this world before me. How can God exist... even when this world is kinda... crap? With all the war, strife, disease, terror, starvation, malice, pain, hate... what have u existing in this world, how can any God exist, and even if there was one... how could God be a loving God? Granted... i dont have proof of his existence. Any proof or arguement i can give... there can be a sort of counter to it. Alas, its the best that the human mind can be capable of. All i kno is that, my life here on this little planet of ours cannot be conceived of if it wasnt for the grace of God. Despite w/ what reality seems to be, God is there. That is what im grappling w/. Opening that barrier to let God in.. to wholeheartedly; w/ body, mind and spirit as one, practice my faith. I havent found that sort of faith yet, that fervor which makes me feel as if i am gettin closer to Him.
Everything has to be one. My words alone are far from sufficient. Faith is active, after all. Which reminds me of the sermon i heard about hypocrisy during Ash Wed. I recollected this sermon when i read through a US News article about one Prof. Victor Davis Hanson. Theres a quote :"Homer's Achilles says,' I hate in my heart like the doorways of death the man who says one thing and does another. If some1's criticizing the war, do they drive an SUV? If they talk about strangulation of world resources, do they have redwood decks? I've never liked upper middle-class suburbanites who... voiced political sentiments at odds w/ the life they lived." That is pretty much a commentary on hypocrisy. I never got those ppl who say try to alienate emotion and argument, sayin that it will make the argument weaker. Objectivity makes room for little bias, but its not sincere enough. Case in pt, the academy awards. All those up there had that anti-war sentiment, the room was full of it. All the speakers spoke for peace, whether blamin the president, hoping for a quick resolution to the war (which i think is the best case scenario as of now), or other anti-war sentiments. I bet most of them really want peace, and publicly sayin so will give em extra brownie pts and whatnot. It jus didnt seem sincere to me tho... jus seemed like it was the chic thing to do for the times we're in. Until i heard Adrian Brody, Best Actor recipient for the Pianist. I could feel with what he had to say, cause he really felt for it too. Doing the project he was doing, i bet it really struck a chord within him when he found out that Op. Iraqi Freedom was underway. All in all, my longing to be closer to God has to have some action. No matter how much inspiration i get... the only way ill get closer is if i do something bout it, be constantly reminded of it, to constantly do it. Paul mentioned that God called for each of us to be saints. I have to strive for such in order to fulfill my quest for faith. My sincere prayer is that... i hope these words i write are not empty ones.
Pray for my quest of faith, or wish me good luck. Whichever... ill need em both, hehe. Heres to opening that door which i have locked for 19 yrs. Take care yall, and more to come soon.
