1ST POST OF THE NEW YEAR...
yeap, and that it is. Funny, it doesnt feel any different... guess time for me runs continuously, w/o any real distinct divisions. Oh yea, and i made no resolutions, cause... i dont need to (hehe, j/k, its cause no1 really keeps a resolution anyway. If i wanted to change the way i went about my life, ill make it a necessity). The past few days were pretty good, startin off w/ Don's new years thingy, which was moved over to Bryan's house. Then a little cs lovin and some boba last night. Dunno how we ended up in the parkin lot for about an hr... jus talkin. Hilarity ensues, as is the case when mr. tooooo seeeeexxxyyy james is around.
I think im at a loss for words right about now. My days early in this new year have been ones that made me a bit confused, ones that involve a growin uncertainty within me. Right now, theres no really sure thing that i can think of, jus doesnt feel right. The very foundations that ive been standing upon have been shaken a bit, not by jus one occurence... but its jus this feeling. Might be a conglomerate of worries that ive carried with me from the past sem, or its jus been hidden until now, surfacing while im not as preoccupied. Some of those feelings can be traced back as far as i can remember, concerning things fresh and new in my life. Pretty much most of these feelings are those that plagued me from time to time, in times like these when i would wander around in thought, and look at the world in a different light, as opposed to truly happier times. Times which i was so sure of something, in which i can envision it so plainly in my mind and follow it through with all of my being.
I dont want to lose this part of me. The part of me that kept me sane, virtually keeps me tickin. With all honesty, i can say that this optimism, this romantic streak that i have in me is what makes this world liveable for me. Its not a delusion, jus another view, another ideal i must strive for. Even this part of me is fading, slowly goin away in this cynicism thats slowly being cultivated. This cant happen. This ideal of mine stands against all that which is base and cruel in this society, which appeal to the darkest regions of the soul, and tells me otherwise. Ive heard my share of the follies of human nature, even administered and received some of those follies personally. Im not sayin that perfection is something we can achieve, but nevertheless, its an ideal which some1 can reach for. Pretty much what im tryin to get at is, even in the immense darkness that plagues the human soul, there is also a light that can be found, possessing a brillance which can overcome. But, its getting harder, my resolve is being tested.
Also, i never want to lose that sappy romanticism thats beatin deep within my chest. Love is something that eludes me. Im pretty sure in sayin that i dont kno how it feels like. Im also pretty sure that i had endured much pain in chasing that love which i can only envision in this mind of mine. That hasnt stopped me, but my heart aches for reasons that im not goin to divulge here, and also for reasons i have no knowledge of. Sometimes it hurts too much, but i still dont want to lose it. Its akin to music, a certain sort of music that requires that u devote everything towards it. Music that u can feel right down to ur bones and fills ur soul. But, again, its gettin harder.
This is a bonafide rant... i not quite sure of what im gettin at, but as of right now... im pretty confused, and this sort of heartache still plagues me. Dont think i can express this w/ words, but heres my attempt anyway. Ehh.. take care yall. More to come soon, hopefully when i can make some sense.
